Along Came Daddyhood

(Originally Published 12/14/08)

With Rowe approaching the big 6 week-old mark, we wanted to share some rules he has graciously provided us with throughout the last few weeks. He's been really cooperative with us and we have been particularly thankful for the skill and efficiency in which he communicates to us. He hasn't laid down a large number of rules for us but what he has given us has been enforced with a cold ruthlessness.

1. No wet diapers. Poopy diapers are not desired, but I'm a flexible guy. Besides, I don't see the justification behind the stigma attached to poopy diapers. Couldn't you argue that poopy diapers are nature's own warm, organic spa treatment?

2. Diligent feeding is a virtue. Feed me on time every time and be quick about it. Some people say life is about the journey but to those people I say shut up and feed me. At my young age, there is very little that I am serious about but food is one of these things. If you prolong the eating process, you will feel my wrath like the stench of 10,000 poopy diapers wafting through your nostrils. DO NOT TEST ME ON THIS.

3. (For mom) I forbid the consumption of foods that will hurt my stomach. So what if you don't know all those foods yet. Not my problem. If you choose to violate this rule and offend my digestive system, I will respond by making judgmental eye contact and screaming at both of you for the duration of my uncomfortablity. You will not be able to comfort me as I will channel all of my anger into loud, soul-crushing shrieks that make you question your competency as a care-giver and I will stare deep into the heart of your soul and spit up on it. That, my parents, is a promise.

4. If you put me in a bath, I will pee on you. I don't know how I can be any clearer about this