Along Came Daddyhood

(Originally Published on 1/11/08)

So leesten…
In keeping wit my tradishun of new year’s resolushuns, Ajax wanted to shar wit you ezactly what Ajax will be hoping to do dis year.

1. Lose de weight
Les be honest. Dere is no need to tiptoe around de ishue. Ajax has put on a fuw pounds. Es no big deal really when you tink of all de stress dere has been. And I mean honestly es dad’s falt. He has been getting de chophouse filet mignon chunky style food. But Ajax does need to run de stares a bit more and maybe not beg for treets so much you know?

2. Ezact revenge on Rodger
Ajax ais all about de okashunal hijinx and whatnot but dis guy is making it personal. He is pooping in my yard too often for it to be a coinsidense like he clams. My sisser Emma sed dat rodger is making a punk out of Ajax and if I don’t do someting den I will lose respect among all de dogs in my nayborhood. She den told me about some tings I could do to Rodger which was probably de sorce of my nitemares.

3. Get my GED
It es sad dat in dis day and time, alodda peeple still have a prejoodice against peeple witout high skoll deplomas. Ajax applied to be a barista at Starbux and de manager said he coldnt hire me. He woodnt tell me why but I know es becaws I checked de box dat said not a high skool graduate. Some peeple can be so shallow, you know?

4. Find my biological mudder
I love my mom and dad bery much but it is important for me to find de women responsible for my life. In my dreems, I believe her to be a beyotiful white lab. Emma sez dat God had too much vanella ice cream and pooped me out, but I jus tink dat she is jealus of me. I tell her dat my dad is probubly someone famus like Bob Barker or Regis Fillbin because I am so good looking and smart, but I wood be ok if he was jus a normal husky. Ajax does not find his wurth in pedigree.

5. Dis is de year Ajax makes it on de Real Wurld
Dis is ridiculous. Ajax is such a compelling case for a roommate on de real world. Esn’t de real world about pushing de envelope and diversity? Alo? Ajax is your man. Don’t dey have a lady who used to be a dood on the new cast? Dats weirder den a dog right? De old Jax wood be a hit wit de ladies because he has de soul of a latin lover. And after the show was over wit, dey wood invite me to all de Real Wurld / Road Rules Challenges becaws not only do I make good tv but I can also be diabolickal and create drama. I wood play de species card and be like, “Oh is it becaws Ajax is a dog? Dat is so speciesist!” And dey wood be all like, “No, Ajax it is cool. I love dogs. I have a dog. All my freends have dogs.” And den I wood say, “Do you put leashes on your dog?” And dey would look at me blankly and I wood be like, “Ajax sees your soul for what you really are.” And den I wood walk away all dramatic and look over my sholder at de camera all dramatik like before de commershul break. Ajax was made to be on tv, you know?