Along Came Daddyhood

(Originally Published 12/31/08)

One of the fun things Rowe has been doing lately is mimicking our facial expressions. It’s fun to try a certain expression and then see the wheels turn in his head about how he can best imitate what he just saw.

I found myself wondering the other day when he would stop doing this and begin disregarding whatever it is that Ashley and I may be doing. That’s a sad thought for me, but I guess it is part of the process of growing up and learning to proclaim his own identity outside of mom and dad.

The moral consciousness a child introduces is surreal. His impressionable presence is always felt though not in a teacher-looking-over-your-shoulder sense. It’s more pure than that. It’s almost like I don’t want to reveal who I really am so that he won’t be tempted to replicate my faults which leads me to carefully consider every action I take and how he may interpret it. And he’s not even 2 months old yet.

The prayer that I find myself continually praying is for God to guide him in spite of me. My fear is that something I do will initiate a tailspin of confusion or doubt that will plague him his entire life. There is the haphazard quality about life that cause it to flitter away before we are able to control it in it’s entirety and it is this lack of control that worries me to no end.

I used the picture above because it tells quite a tale within the relationship between Floyd (the father) and Justin (the son) Beebe. Justin has obviously taken his cues from his father, Floyd, and followed him into a life of crime and poor facial artwork. Did Floyd consciously lure Justin towards a life that will most likely be spent in government facilities? Probably not. But yet Justin still mimicked the lifestyle of his father and his life will most likely be sculpted in that unfortunate manner.

While I’m relatively confident that Floyd and I share very little in common, I know that comparing myself to him doesn’t help the fact that Rowe’s eyes will always use my life to gauge his understanding of the world. I have no doubt that this accountability is God’s way of reminding us of the outbranching of consequences our sinful nature creates. But I do wish that he didn’t have to watch me so judgmentally when I eat birthday cake leftovers.

On the bright side, I’m pretty sure Rowe and I will be Justin and Floyd Beebe for Halloween next year.