The Embrace of Concern
There is this stifling malaise I find myself working against lately. It's a heavy sense of dread that just hovers around me and I can't seem to shake it.
Some of it is, no doubt, a compilation of emotions and fears with Rowe now being here and being such a vulnerable little boy right now. I concoct ridiculous worries that fill my head, but their slight chance of reality is enough to frighten me.
I know the hopeful and spiritual things and I remind myself of their merit and truth. But this isn't something that is so easily vanquished and it isn't just relegated to Rowe. It's a lot of things.
Big scope things like the economy. Money. TV when Rowe becomes impressionable. My legacy. Work.
Smaller, more personal things like family. Tragedy. Church. My dogs.
And I get that it doesn't pay off to spend time in worry. But right now I don't really care if it pays off or not. It's there. And worry isn't something that typically takes avoidance well.
I think this is part of the larger and more progressive transformation from husband to husband/father. It's almost like having Rowe has been this turnkey that activates all these previously dormant emotions. Was it normal that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button made me borderline unstable or is it a symptom of an evolution of my understanding of this brave new world I inhabit?
Benjamin Button is actually a pretty apt reference because underneath the larger story of a man aging backwards, it's about a man trying to figure out how to balance embracing life's richness and opportunity against the sadness and loss that is native to everyone.
And I think I find myself at that crossroads. I don't want to stick my head in the sand and be devastated by tragedy but I hate living in this oppressive dreadfulness.
Like all things, I know this will level out as I find a happy medium, but I think there is a certain level of worry parents never shed and I'm pretty ok with that.
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God's heart is always for his kids. From knitting them together in their mother's womb until they take their last breath on this earth. He loves His children. They are the apple of His eye. Every move we make, His watchful care hovers over us. He longs that we make good choices. He wants us to enjoy life ... to live a full and abundant life. He wants us to always be on guard. He protects us from the evil one. That's God ... our Heavenly Father.
No wonder you, as "earthly" father and me, as "earthly" mother, have within us these same desires and longings for our children. We've inherited it from our Father. He's passed it down to us. Not the worry part, but the heart.
Some things in life we just have to wrestle (worry) out with God, so that in time, we can rest in God. Life is to be lived ... all the stumbles, fumbles, frets, worries ... all of it. Because, like a loving Father does ... He will hold us close and love us until we get on the other side.
Being a parent is more than just taking care of Rowe. It's being on a faith journey with the One who gave Rowe to you. I think that's the part of parenthood that God loves the most.
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