Along Came Daddyhood

So I've been giving The Bachelor some SERIOUS thought ever since Monday.

That's right. I'm not pulling any punches. I like the show. No, I LOVE the show. I don't know why I do, but I do.  I'm 27. I'm too old to posture. I love The Bachelor like I loved The O.C. and Dawson's Creek. Consider my freak flag flown.

Having said all of that, viewers of the show find ourselves at a monumental point.

Jake, the bachelor, has narrowed down his potential lady mates to the syrupy sweet Tenley, and Vienna, she of the darkly sunken eyes and SUPREMELY shady past.

It's a study in contrasts and it's begging some analysis. Why? Because it violates the natural order of things. And it's so much more important than unemployment, climate change conspiracies, and the Olympics.

This is what we know: Tenley is a seemingly perfect fit for Jake. Both conduct themselves with a degree of a corniness, but it is completely authentic. I imagine them both thinking Mary Murphy is funny and that Taylor Swift is profound. They are both nice people who appear to belong together.

Vienna, on the other hand, is a complete dumpster fire of a potential spouse. Assuming we didn't know what US Weekly has reported, SHE STILL LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A MAN. A man or a really capable CI (I've watched every season of The Wire and The Shield, people. I know a CI when I see one.) She is immature, prone to drama, and NOT ATTRACTIVE. But yet she has survived, like a cockroach after a nuclear attack, to make the final 2. How?

The following are the realistic possibilities behind why Vienna is still on the show:

Scenario #1: She's an agent of drama.
Realistically, the producers knew that in selecting Jake, they were also selecting a modest, low-key dude. He doesn't really have tramp-taste and thus would quickly winnow the selection of girls into a subset of similarly-minded and modest girls. This would be good for Jake, but HORRENDOUS for ratings. After all, does anyone really think that the American public wants to watch a reality show where tact and tastefulness win the day? OF COURSE NOT.

Enter Vienna. This Hooter's alum is as much of a match for Jake as Lisa Turtle was for Zack Morris. She is profoundly shallow and there is a feeling that she is holding back a dam of malevolent intentions and secrets (my money is on STD and credit card debt. She looks like a spender.).

But she has provided the show with a boost of drama. Excerpted conversations: Who's here for the wrong reasons? Vienna. Who talks trash about other girls? Vienna. Who caused the earthquake in Haiti? Vienna. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BLACK EYED PEAS AWFUL MUSIC? WHY, I THINK IT WAS VIENNA!

A lightning rod for drama is putting it mildly. If she had a patronus, it would probably be Lindsay Lohan.

If this scenario is true (and I believe it is), then at the finale, the selection of Tenley will vanquish once and for all the diabolical Vienna and the American public will be none the wiser. Vienna will have gotten her time in the sun and the producers will have gotten their ratings. Alls well that ends well.

Scenario #2 - He really likes her.
This scenario isn't realistic. I tricked you. Move on to the next scenario.

Scenario #3 - Jake is a closet deviant, and thus he really likes her.
 This is the only other plausible scenario.

On the surface, Jake appears to be an upright and essentially moral person. But if this scenaro is true, then lurking under the surface of Jake is a deviant. This would explain why Vienna has advanced so far and it gives her a realistic chance at winning. If this is true, then the finale represents a deeper conflict of good vs. evil. Tenley vs. Vienna. Jake's pure nature vs. his deviant nature.

Let's be clear though: if Vienna wins, the unlikeliness of her win will be more about Jake's either stupidity/or closeted freak than it will be about her.

I wish I wasn't excited about the 8-hour finale in two weeks. But I am.