Along Came Daddyhood

Obviously, we all know that on Monday night, the inexplicable happened: Jake picked Vienna and in doing so, he horrified the masses. I don't know if I'm ready to live in a world where people like Vienna prosper. It would seem that the terrorists have already won.

But much like an episode of LOST, a significant amount of questions were left unanswered. Below, a few lingering questions and thoughts I have.

#1 - Who picks out Jake's ties? Conceivably, it HAS to be Jake himself because any other person of the ABC employ would have been fired with just cause. The only people who could pull off those ties are gentlemen of the homosexual persuasion OR Fonzworth Bentley (and any other similarly affiliated hip-hop personalities. If I was Tenley, I would be relieved when he turned me down because of that ridiculous looking tie and if you think it's limited to ties, YOU ARE WRONG. You know he has an entire dresser full of jean shorts that may or may not be frayed.

#2 - Speaking of Tenley, I can't help but wonder about what is more the source of her despair: that Jake simply rejected her or that he rejected her FOR VIENNA. I think an argument could be made that a majority of the dismay felt by the rejected women this season was not that Jake didn't want them, but that they were voted our BEFORE Vienna. This can't be emphasized enough. Rejection at the hands of Jake is one thing, but when you factor in the fact that Jake is essentially saying, 'I do not want you because I find the trollish and obnoxious Vienna to be more desirable.' Wouldn't this disturb you?

#3 - Vienna's win effectively destroys my theory of her being an ABC plant. OR DOES IT? If The Departed has taught us anything, it's that sketchy, seedy people are capable of anything. Maybe, just maybe this goes deeper than The Bachelor. Maybe, Vienna is in DEEP DEEP cover. Scoff at me if you must, but consider the following: What if ABC, in an effort to prop up the fading Dancing With The Stars franchise, orchestrated this unholy union? Silly? Maybe. But remember this when Vienna bankrupts Jake during this DWTS season and sleeps with his brother. And not the decent looking brother either. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

#4 - I like how Jake's family initially recoiled in terror at Vienna, but then she won them over by talking trash about Tenley. I always feel better about people AFTER I hear them talk copious amounts of trash about others. Vienna seems to have the unification skill set of Nancy Pelosi. Mark my words, those sisters-in-law will be dropping anonymous scoops about Vienna's alleged drug habits to US Weekly in less than 3 months.

#5 - I mentioned this previously, but watching Tenley get rejected was like watching Bambi getting shot or Mufasa getting trampled all over again. Just painful. I guess if I just realized that someone as morally bankrupt as Vienna was preferred to me, I'd be a little catatonic too. But her trying to change Jake's mind as he was escorting her out was just depressing.

#6 - Finally, I wonder how much was known about Vienna prior to Jake's selection of her. We can assume that ABC had a pretty decent idea of Vienna's malevolent exploits prior to her selection. But did they communicate these things to Jake? Are they obligated to? Would Jake have chosen differently if he was aware that Vienna was essentially a social climber? I SAY YES.

A conversation may have gone like this:

Chris Harrison: Hello Jake.

Jake Pavelka: Greetings Chris.

Chris: Congrats on your impending nuptials to Vienna.

Jake: Thank you, Chris.

Chris: By the way, you know how Vienna's ample bosom basically bewitched you and caused you to overlook some SERIOUS red flags with her maturity and emotional IQ?

Jake: Yes, I am somewhat aware of the bosom that you speak of.

Chris: Well that bosom was subsidized through her Iraq-deployed husband's savings account. Additionally, she has a Hooters pedigree and is prone to sleeping with her significant others' friends. Lastly, your tie is hideous. Talk to you later!

Jake: (Anger/Shock/Regret)


I leave you with this video.