Nosing Around

11:18 PM Posted by Knox McCoy

So I went to the nose doctor today. But not just any doctor. This guy was a doctor who says hello by dousing your nose with numbing spray so he can jam a camera up your nose and telephoto your entire sinus situation. THAT KIND OF DOCTOR.

If you are a male and are reading this and still find yourself unclear on this scenario, it's like a yearly physical but instead of clammy hands on your secrets and coughing twice, it's a camera (that probably costs more than Ryan Seacrest) scraping alongside your brain, while you try not to sneeze or gag.

At any rate, it was this procedure that provided our meet cute. But there was nothing nice or lighthearted about it. Basically, I have some nasal shenanigans that will most assuredly translate to massive financial repercussions. Joy.

But such is life. Just as you gain a little money traction, something breaks, something needs buying or you find out that you have a nose with the structural integrity of Owen Wilson's schnoz.

But here's where the frustration comes in: why do doctors act like everyone has graduated from Harvard Medical School? Just because you pin up an Xray of my face to a bright light board doesn't mean that I can make like Dr. Derek Shepard and deduce my diagnosis. Make no mistake: my degree in English is SUPER useful. I can usually spot typos and I can totally tell you some freaky stuff about Oscar Wilde, so....there's that. But the point is, I'M NOT HOUSE M.D.. TRY TO EXPLAIN THE PROBLEM USING SMALL WORDS.

When he snapped a couple of pictures with his brain-scraper camera and let me see those, I still was at a loss. YES, DOC, I SEE THAT MY INNER NOSE LOOKS LIKE A BLOODIED SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS. NOW CAN YOU TELL ME WHY?

But no. I'm left with vague descriptions filled with medicalese and a REALLY big payment.

At the end of the day though, if he figures out the problem, I won't care what kind of bedside manner he has. He could spray my eyes with the numbing stuff and make me watch a So You Think You Can Dance marathon. I'm just principled like that.

And just so you know, I was this close to putting the pictures of my nose as bloody SpongeBob at the top of this post. I suppose I'm mellowing in my old age, though. Your appetites can feel free to carry on unmolested....for now.